Everyone knows that breaking up is hard to do, as the song goes. But you don't necessarily have to sit back and let your relationship take up permanent residence in Splitsville. There are strategies you can use to get your relationship back on track.
First, don't resort to desperation and begging. Excessive neediness is not attractive at all and no one wants to be "guilted" into staying with a partner. You want them to be with you because they love you, not because they're afraid they might end up talking you down from a bridge. Be an independent person in charge of your own happiness. Let your ex know that you want them, but don't hinge your entire life's happiness on whether or not they agree to get back together. People like to feel wanted, but feeling as if you are someone's only reason for getting out of bed in the morning is not pleasant.
Be the person your ex fell in love with. Now is a good time to take stock of how you've changed since you first met your partner. Have you let your looks go? Have you stopped telling her you love her? Maybe those things are part of the reason she left. You may want to try going back to your old ways in the romance department if you want to get her back.
You've heard it said that the squeaky wheel gets the grease, right? Not always! Don't bombard your ex with pleading e-mails, text messages or telephone calls. Doing so will only come across as desperate and will make you seem like a stalker. Giving her some space is a much better approach. In fact, she may even start to wonder how you are doing and call you! You will be sending the message that you respect your ex's feelings enough to give her some breathing room. Doing so will benefit you, too, because you will have a chance to evaluate the situation and make a plan for what comes next. Your emotions will be running high right now, but you want to make decisions with your head AND your heart, not just with your heart.
The breakup of a relationship is usually the result of a number of factors, not just one. And more often than not, the contributing factors can be clearly identified if you really stop and think about it. But don't focus on what you think is wrong with your partner; that's her job. Take responsibility for your role in the breakup and try to figure out how you can fix what you can control.
Once you decide you are really ready to start re-opening the lines of communication, be prepared to discuss things from the perspective of what you intend to change. It will do you no good to go to the negotiating table on the offensive.
When you do make contact, do so in stages. An e-mail is a good way to make initial contact. It is non-confrontational because your ex can read it whenever she wants and can choose whether or not to respond. Don't let your first sentence be "I want to try to get back together." That approach can be off-putting. Instead, just drop her a casual line asking how she is. If she had a birthday recently, ask her how her day was. (Don't make contact on her birthday, however. Let her enjoy her day without having to figure out your motives or wondering if she wants to get back together). Remember, the last thing you want is to sound desperate and needy, even if you truly are.
Once you have made contact and it has been reciprocated, take things very slowly. Communicate by e-mail for a while, then maybe initiate a phone call. Eventually you can meet for coffee to talk things over, then maybe go on a trial date. Whatever steps you take, remember there are no guarantees your ex will want to save your relationship. But even if you can't agree on common romantic footing, know that you'll be okay. Not all relationships can, or should, be fixed. If yours happens to fall into that category even after all your efforts, you may just have to be content with that. No matter how upset you are now, you will get through it and move on to someone else.
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